Nonverbal Communication - The Elephant in the Tavern
According to studies out of UCLA, nonverbal communication comprises at least 55% of all our communication. This means our posture, facial expressions, gestures and general body language is most of what we say to people.
The story “The Elephant in the Tavern” explores the idea that most of what people “say” is actually unsaid, and it claims that we are actually broadcasting precisely what we wish to keep secret: what we don’t want to say. So if this is actually happening, how do we conduct ourselves? How do we have a measure of control over what we are actually communicating to others all day long?
The How to Story approach is to simply know that you are doing this, and start to pay attention like a storyteller.
Make sure you download our free mini-workshop in the popup menu and join our newsletter list and get more tips and strategies every other week. Enjoy the episode!
[00:35] – Introduction
[06:52] – Five day workshop invitation and details
[08:20] – Audio Story - The Elephant in The Tavern
Nonverbal Communication - The Elephant in the Tavern
Full transcript
The ghost elephant had formed boundaries, even a kind of personality, it was simply unseen, unspoken, it was avoided. To Jessica it represented the part of everyone's story that they didn't want to talk about, but clearly had the most influence on them. It was the elephant in their story.
So that was from a story called The Elephant In The Tavern, from our Stories From The Well series, at howtostory.org
The inspiration behind this story, why we produced it, was to make the point that nothing is really secret. That's all the stuff we don't want people to know. Well, they actually do know, just not consciously. The idea here is that knowing is way, way more than what we can name or prove or explain or itemize. That we can know things with our entire minds, especially the subconscious. We can, we can know things with our bodies, truly. I mean, this is not an esoteric idea. It's even in our language. I have a feeling, you know, a gut feeling, my gut told me. We experience this all the time with ordinary tasks that we do without thinking, you know, sometimes we call it muscle memory. We use that when we learn to ride a bike.
So knowing is wide and deep and far bigger than being able to measure the specifics or even the accuracy of the words that are used. So the premise of this story, The Elephant in the Tavern is that when we encounter people, we get far more information than specifically what they say. We learn far more about them through their body language and the sound of their voice than we do from the content of what it is that they are telling us.
In fact, there is a well referenced series of studies out of UCLA landing on what's now known as the 55-38-7 percent of communication.
The study says that 55% of all communication is nonverbal. So what that means is that 55% is body language, the gestures, the facial expressions, even the proximity of the person who's telling you these important things.
And then the 38% is vocal, meaning the sound, the pitch, the tone, the quality of their voice, 38%.
So that leaves only 7% of communication has to do with the actual words people choose. 7%.
It's not very much and remarkably that is where, where our conscious minds generally goes, to what they say, what words they chose to use. You know, read the transcript. So we obviously miss a lot consciously. I mean, we miss the elephants in the room. We consciously often even ignore them, but we don't subconsciously. Our bodies do not ignore the elephants. Our bodies know all about them and our bodies communicate what we know with feelings and sensations and with these gut instincts. And it affects our behavior and our opinions all the time.
So that's the premise of the story. So when you listen to it in just a little bit, it's going to sound like the main character, Jessica, is like a psychic or an intuitive. But truly, I believe that we all can do what Jessica can do. We just don't have the language around it. We can all tell when someone is avoiding something, right? And when they're not telling us something, and we can also tell that it's, you know, commonly a big thing. It's an important thing about who they are, at least in that moment. But most of us don't have the tools or the language to go about unpacking that and understanding what it is that's actually happening.
So this is one of the reasons why stories and storytelling is so powerful because it engages our entire minds and our bodies. Stories give us information that we may not initially understand, but then realize later how profound the images and the metaphors are. That's the gift of metaphor. It unlocks a big part of our subconscious and it gives us this, this full access to incredible amounts of information. Our conscious mind can't store that much. And when we listen, like a storyteller, we can learn incredible things.
So have a listen to this story and just notice how you feel as you're listening to it and notice where you relate and what makes sense to you. Is there a part of Jessica's story or really any of the other characters in this story that are familiar to you? Notice that and then consider giving this idea a try, listen to your gut, listen to your gut feeling. Listen to your body, listen to the sudden emergent, quiet images that bubble up metaphors that come to mind. Because very likely, they will have something very important to tell you.
Alright the story is next but do consider joining us for a free 5 day workshop that includes an awareness of nonverbal communication. The focus is on vocality - the sound of your voice, which if you remember - is 38% of all communication. A huge percentage.
So it's free - you can go at your own pace and it will give you a really fun perspective on the hidden powers in your voice - and spoiler alert - fairies are involved. Fairies, Trolls, Dragons and Mermaids to be exact.
There are guided exercises that include a body and energy awareness exercise. It's super easy to follow and truly, it can be applied to every part of your life.
Go to our website howtostory.org to download the workshop guide and then you’ll also be the first to hear about community storytelling events that we do and upcoming classes for children and for adults. Those tend to sell out pretty quickly. So really over there are heaps of resources and you can get tips, storytelling tips, you can get stories over there and you can find a community of practice with others. Alright, here is the story.
Stories From the Well, An Elephant In The Tavern.
Jessica Stone found her dream job as the night clerk for a popular tavern in her hometown. The town was along a river that led into the northwest where many people from the east wish to go. Some went for gold, some went for furs, some for religion and some simply out of curiosity.
But Jessica also knew that most people were actually going west for a separate and much more simple reason. “They're all running away from something” her father told her before she took the job. “Anyone going west has something they're trying to forget, but they never do. They just carry it out west.”
This was her father's way of warning her. He did not want her to take the job at the tavern because he did not want her to get mixed up with the kind of folk he did not trust. Her father was born in the town and watched it grow. He had a simple life with his wife, her mother and their three children. Jessica's older brother went east to school. The middle child, also a brother, helped her father on their small farm. Jessica's parents hoped that she would get out of the town and go east like her oldest brother.
But Jessica was not like her brothers, not like any of them really. She was special. She saw things. When she was very young she often talked about all the animals she saw when clearly there were no animals in sight. She talked about how the animals changed according to what people were feeling. That she could see a rooster when her father was upset with her as opposed to a mockingbird when he was feeling playful. When her mother was lecturing her, Jessica said that her mother became a lioness. But when her mother was making a pie, she seemed like a robin.
As she got older she talked less about seeing the animals, but her family could tell that she still saw them. They noticed the funny looks on her face and sometimes would ask and she usually said, “Nothing. I just got an idea.” Which was not false. It was true that she did see the animals but not like she used to. When she was young, the animals were vivid and clear as if real, in front of her. Now that she was 18, the animals she saw were more like a part of her imagination, like a memory or a dream. And more times than not, she would simply ignore them. That is until she took the job as the night clerk at the tavern.
Her interest at first was to meet new and interesting people. Having been born and raised in one place, she knew everyone in her town. She could tell from a distance how people were thinking and anticipated what they were going to say. When she sensed animals associated with the people in her town, they were always the same animals. When she saw Mr Wideham, the town's predictable pharmacist, she almost always saw the short, squat, well behaved Corgi dog trotting along with him. When she saw Miss Schick, an accomplished rabbit hunter, it was as if she had a falcon, always perched on her shoulder. Always the same stories, always the same behavior.
But the visitors to the tavern were different. They had stories and histories that she did not know. They had hopes and dreams that were yet to be discovered. Some of them were clearly sad. Some were angry, some were excited and some were fearful. She wanted to know more. And when she was offered the job of the night clerk, she was elated.
Her primary responsibility was to make sure that the guests had what they needed and could answer their questions. Many of them did not stay up late so she realized a big part of her job was making sure that they returned safely to their rooms or to fetch them water or a late night snack. But as soon as she was able to establish a rhythm and familiarity with her work, something magical started to happen. In between the moments when the guests needed her to help them or get them something, they would tell her stories. Most of them were short anecdotes, but on occasion, she would listen to stories that lasted into the night. She mostly heard adventure stories, some romantic stories, some stories of revenge and stories of conquest. She was fascinated at first and then in time, she became confused.
The source of her confusion was in large part, the animals she saw. The guests would tell her a story and she was inevitably able to see an animal associated with that story. Now she tried to ignore the animal so that she could better attend the story. But realized in time that the animal itself had something to tell her. For instance, there was a man from a city in the east who wanted to tell her all about how he was a captain of industry and that he was seeking new adventures and unclaimed territory. He went on and on and on about the hardships he had overcome and how he was able to convert those hardships into great wealth. As he told her his story, she saw in her imagination, a sprite little chipmunk that moved this way and that. Busily finding food and hiding it. So she listened to the story and noticed what the chipmunk was doing and then she would listen some more. It was a good story. But one thing kept catching her attention.
The chipmunk would avoid a certain area, move around it and sometimes actually retreat from it. And this happened whenever the man mentioned his family and in particular, his father. Now a similar thing happened when two women friends arrived together and one of them told Jessica a quick story. When the other friend retired to go to bed, the remaining woman talked about her husband who died of the flu and how he was a good and kind man and how much she missed him.
And as the woman told her story, Jessica saw a gray and orange tom cat moving from place to place, looking for a comfortable spot to sleep. When the woman mentioned her traveling companion however, the cat would hiss in the same direction, always toward the same invisible being almost like it was a ghost.
This became a pattern. Jessica always enjoyed the stories but noticed a kind of ghost-like influence on the animals. She saw the ghosts eventually took form and shape and even became absent characters in the stories themselves. In time, she identified the shape as a separate animal entirely. The size and the shape and the influence of this ghost animal became clear to her. It was an elephant.
The ghost elephant had form, boundaries, even a kind of personality. It was simply unseen, unspoken. It was avoided. To Jessica it represented the part of everyone's story that they didn't want to talk about, but clearly had the most influence on them. It was the elephant in their story.
For the first few months of her work, she let the elephants lay. She figured it was none of her business to pry. It was just interesting to her. She could see that a traveling dentist's elephant had to do with his work. Something had gone very badly and something that brought him great shame. For a young farm woman, she could see that her elephant was about her brother and how much she missed him. These were the things that they did not want to talk about.
And for a time, Jessica honored that. Until she didn't. Time after time, she saw these people head west continuing to carry the elephant in their story, burdened from its weight and influence. And regularly she would see them pass through on their way back east continuing to carry the same elephant, almost unchanged. Eventually, she wondered was this serving them? Did they really want to stay the same, carrying the same elephant wherever they went. Surely not. Surely they were seeking freedom from the elephant.
She became more and more convinced of this until one day she took a chance. A congressman from an eastern city arrived looking to go on a hunting expedition. He arrived full of energy and enthusiasm and outlasted all his friends until they had all gone to bed except for him. He sat by the fire and he asked Jessica to join him for a chat. He of course, did all the chatting and began to tell her his life story; where he was raised, lessons his father taught him, mistakes he made early in life and moments that defined who he was. But whenever he approached the subject of love and romance, he shied away. This, she realized, was his elephant. Other animals were present while he told his war stories and finance stories and even descriptions of his parents.
But whenever he hinted at a particular young woman whom he knew in school, the fox she saw moved in a different direction, showing her the outline of the elephant. The elephant that was the young woman. Now this time, instead of leaving it be and continuing to listen, Jessica asked a question. “Who was she?” she asked. “Who was, who?” responded the man with some confusion.
“The woman you referenced, the one from school. Can you tell me a little bit more about her?”
The man was flustered for a moment as he said, “Well, I'm not sure why you wish to know about her. She wasn't very relevant to the story I was just telling you.” He stammered a moment more before he paused, took a deep breath and then slumped slightly. “Her name was Olivia, one of the few women in the university, very smart woman, quite smart and I was in love with her.”
Jessica was amazed at the transformation, not only did his voice change, but his body and gestures as well. It was as if she was now seeing the real man, not the one who was trying to impress or teach her anything. This man who was telling the story of Olivia was the true man. He didn't hesitate. It was as if he had been wanting to tell this story for the longest time and finally found someone who would listen to him. It was a story of heartbreak and desperation, a story of two lovers who loved each other. But how his ambition got in the way, how he made a fateful decision to leave her. And how in all these years it was his one regret, his one deep and unforgivable regret.
He spoke for nearly another two hours until the first rays of dawn broke over the mountains and entered the tavern windows. He couldn't believe he had spoken for so long. “Thank you for listening. I fear my story was a burden. I've well, I haven't told anyone that tale”. “Not a burden at all” she answered, “at least not for me”.
And then she looked into the man's eyes and saw that the burden he had been carrying, the elephant of his story, had gotten smaller. It was no longer an elephant at all. He stood up with a newfound grace and lightness bowed deeply and said, “I suppose I should get an hour or two of sleep before my adventure”. And then he paused again, looked at her and said, “I feel transformed”.
She did not answer. She only nodded and wished him a good night. Well, this changed her work entirely. She continued to help people to their rooms, fetch them water, late night snacks, sit with them and keep them company. But regularly she would make room for the elephant of their story and bring some attention to it. On occasion this was met with resistance but usually it was answered with relief. Like it was something they were carrying and no longer wished to, something they wanted to be seen but were too scared or ashamed or unsure about sharing.
Her parents did wonder if she was going to move on, head east, use her talents for something more ambitious. But the fact was she was helping many people right where she was. Her skills became sought out and it wasn't long before people came to the tavern, not to pass through on their way west, but to see her. To tell their story. And hopefully she might be able to see the elephant they brought with them.
Thank you for joining us. Our theme music is by Javon Phelps. The story music is by Angus Sewell McCann. Today's audio story was edited by my co-teacher over at How to Story, Meredith Markow. Special thanks to Mickey Lozano for her marketing expertise. The How To Story podcast is produced by me, David Sewell McCann, and Marjorie Shik.
Thanks for joining us.
